4 Years Ago....

Flashbacks. They are an interesting thing. I figured that they would happen, and I had prepared myself, mentally, for them. But I was not really sure how I would handle the moment I stepped foot back in a NICU for quality time with a baby that I loved. It was a little over 4 years ago that my son was born premature. I, like my sweet sister-in-law, had no control over the situation. My doctor had to induce my labor at 33 weeks because I had incredibly high blood pressure, and it was no longer safe for me to be pregnant. For me or the baby. For me it was a very matter of fact thing. I was startled by the events, but I didn't really have time to be scared. I knew my baby was coming way too soon, and that his lungs were not ready. I could feel that in my gut, but I had no choice, I had to do what was best for both myself and my son. I remember a couple of things very clearly. First, it was December 3rd. Of course, one would assume that I would recall the day, but it was more than a day. December 3rd is MY birthday, and I was not ready to share. I looked at my wonderful doctor and said "I do not want him to be born before midnight!" with a cute little laugh, my OB informed me that the induction would take a good 12 hours. Secondly, my in-laws were a few thousand miles away getting ready to board a ship for a cruise through the Panama Canal. This is their first grandchild, and they were not here. I am not sure if I was upset by that, but I recall being a bit sad for them, strangely enough they called not long after the decision was made to induce me, and they called regularly over the next 2 weeks so we were able to give them updates on Nathan's well being. And lastly, I had to let my husband and my mom know what was going on. Those 2 phone calls were the most necessary and the least fun. I knew they would both be worried and probably freak out a bit, and they did. Not that I could really change what was happening. So, I was under way to deliver my first baby. My labor was not horrible, I was upset that the epidural won't work. I never planned on natural childbirth, but that is what I got. Lucky for me it was only 13 and a half hours long. Granted it was all night long, but I made it through and when they said I was ready I looked at the nurse and told her I had no intention of pushing for hours, so if he was not ready to not even call the Dr. She said we were good to go, and so we started pushing. I think I only pushed twice before he came out. They tried to whisk him out of the room, but I was able to stop them and at least see him, before he was off to the nursery. That was at 6:32 in the morning and had I know I was going to spend much of the next 3 hours knocked out I would have kept him there just a minute longer. With no epidural and a placenta that would not deliver, I was begging my doctor to stop trying to dig it out by hand. By the grace of God, the wonderful anesthesiologist who, despite 8 tries was unable to get the epidural to work, came to see what was going on since he knew the baby had been delivered. The last words I remember were "hand me that other bottle of versed off my cart will you" and then the pain that was worse than labor stopped. Next thing I knew I woke up some 3 hours later, and wanted to see my son. And even though I was insanely groggy and a bit dizzy I jumped into the wheelchair so I could go see him. He was insanely cute. By noon they were concerned it was taking too much effort for him to breathe, diagnosed him with RDS (respiratory distress syndrome), and they decided it was time to move him to a hospital with a NICU. So by 1:oo in the afternoon, my baby was packaged into a incubator, and loaded into a special ambulance staffed with a team whose job is to transports babies, and sent packing to a different hospital than the one I was left at. Let me say there is nothing worse than being stuck on the maternity ward without a child. I know my sweet husband was torn. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted him to be with Nathan. Nate's first visitors in the NICU were Greg, my mom and my brother Pete. Little did I know how significant that would turn out to be 4 years later. Nate had good days and bad days in the NICU. He was given surfactant when they got him there, and was able to be off all oxygen support within 24 hours of birth (thank you March of Dimes) but had to keep his little IV. It went from his hand to his head, before it was able to be completely removed by the time he was about a week old. All told we spent a full 21 days in the hospital with him. When Greg's parents got home from their trip they came straight from the airport to the hospital to see their new grandson. I don't remember being afraid of the equipment, but I know it was shocking to see it all, but I got used to it. And I knew it was taking care of my child. We could only have 6 visitors to see Nathan. Among them were my brother and sister-in-law. They both got the chance to hold him and love him while he was all hooked up. And I most certainly hope that it has made their adventures with their 2 little boys easier for them. I by no way want to take away from their experience. Every parent has their own worries and fears, but I hope that having had Nathan in the NICU and seeing him all hooked up to the oxygen and monitors and NG tube has softened the blow of having their own boys there. I got to go see Cooper and Andrew for the first time since their birth yesterday, and it was magical. I got to snuggle with Cooper and explain to him who his favorite auntie is (ME of course). And even though I teared up when I got there, I kept it together. Because I know what those 2 little munchkins are going to be like in 4 years, healthy happy little boys who are making their parents question every decision they make. And that is the very best part!